May 11, 1963 (The beginning of this conversation was noted from memory.) ... If I could only have the "Word," as the Rishis said, the true mantra, I would keep at it, I'd do hours of japa if necessary, but I would go right to the end. It's as if I were told, "See this plot of land, there are ten million cubic feet of earth to dig, and at the end of it is freedom." Well, I'd set to it, whatever the time needed, because I'd know there is an end. But for that you need a pickax. Nobody can give you the true mantra. It's not something that is given: it's something that wells up from within. It must spring from within all of a sudden, spontaneously, like a profound, intense need of your be

June 8, 1963 It was yesterday, I think, in the night (not last night, the night before, the 6th of June, that is), for more than three hours without stop, there was no consciousness of anything any more - not a thought, not a will, not an action, not an observation, nothing. Everything was at a standstill. For instance, all that happens when you have experiences and you work in the subconscient - all that, Page 162 everything, everything was at a standstill. It was like the action of a Force. Without any thought or idea, only the sensation and a sort of perception (awareness is the right word) of a Force, but a stupendous Force, you know, like the Force of the earth - all the combin

February February 15, 1963 (Regarding a passage in "Savitri" in which Sri Aurobindo describes the universe as a play between He and She. "This whole wide world is only he and she," He, the Supreme in love with her, her servitor; She, the creative Force.) As one too great for him he worships her; He adores her as his regent of desire, He yields to her as the mover of his will, He burns the incense of his nights and days Offering his life, a splendour of sacrifice.... In a thousand ways he serves her royal needs; He makes the hours pivot around her will, Makes all reflect her whims; all is their play: This whole wide world is only he and she. (I.

August 24, 1963 (Mother asks Satprem if he has prepared a question on the aphorism on "renunciation," which is to appear in the next "Bulletin." Then she adds:) I delivered great speeches to you on the subject, but I don't remember! (Laughing) It was in the night, I delivered a whole speech to you, and I even thought, in the middle of the night, "Well, that's just what I should tell Satprem tomorrow!" I told you that the only process I've known, and which recurred several times in my life, is to renounce an error. Something you believe to be true - which probably was true for a time - on which you partly base your action, but which, in actuality, was only one opinion. You thoug

August 28, 1963 I've received a letter from a publisher friend of mine. He tells me the real reasons for their refusal of my manuscript "Sri Aurobindo or the Adventure of Consciousness." Oh, really! It's interesting. If you want me to read it to you ... (Satprem reads) ... "I had already told you about my misgivings. [[See conversation of May 25. ]] As to the Page 287 motives for the decision, it always boils down to the same point: a sincere (though ambiguous) will of ecumenism, a broad rather than deep intellectual curiosity, permit mentalities such as those that give our firm its orientation and public image to pay some attention to academic essays regarded (wr

April 16, 1963 (Satprem did not keep note of the beginning of this conversation or of the "personal" questions and the circumstances that led to the situation. It seems that X had invited Satprem to his place, in spite of their break, and wanted to continue with him the Tantric sadhana.) From a deeper standpoint, what connection should I have with X? If I go there, there will be some interchange despite everything, won't there? He may influence you, because you were under his influence in the beginning. He does have the power to influence you - to enclose you in his own atmosphere. But he cannot keep you imprisoned! That's not possible, you are beyond his grasp! So, if ... (how can

April 25, 1963 (Letter to Mother from Satprem) Rameshwaram, 25 April '63 Sweet Mother, I received your card of the 23rd yesterday, and it coincided with an improvement in the "atmosphere" and even a physical improvement. I have rarely felt your Force and your Presence so concretely, continuously and powerfully as since I arrived here. To say that it is the only reality is almost superfluous - That alone really LIVES. All the rest is a false show. I am anxious to leave this place, but X said he wants to make certain changes in my japa, so I have to wait for the right moment. It is difficult to hurry X, as you know. I will wire you as soon as the time comes. Otherwise, I am experi

June 19, 1963 This is a really difficult period right now. All last night ... There are activities that take place in a semidarkness, which the people of the place - people who are here at the Ashram - regard as light ... and where everyone attends to his affairs with his own ideas and what he considers to be his "knowledge." Everything takes place in a semidarkness, a great confusion and a ... you know, a most oppressive sense of powerlessness. It went on for hours. Finally, I absolutely wanted - I wanted to get out of that place at all costs and return to the Light (the real one) and the open. But it was literally impossible: whatever path I took to get out suddenly collapsed, or

March 27, 1963 (Sometimes she cried out) I am fed up! (long silence) Once I told you about an experience I had, I told you that every time a divine manifestation occurs (what is called an Avatar), there's always a particular "angle of quest," in the sense of an intense NEED urging men along the road of evolution towards the Goal, the Transformation, and each avatar saw from a particular angle, believing it to be THE Goal. [[See Agenda III, November 27, 1962, p. 436 ff. ]] When I had that experience, I saw it was the need for Immortality that drove the Vedic Rishis. It came back to me yesterday, and I noted it down: (Mother reads a handwritten note) The Vedic Rishis thirste

January January 2, 1963 My year is off to a dreadful start. And I am afraid it may go on like that. Some new difficulties? No, it's just that everybody wants to see me! They tire me - they wear me out. While I would need ... Oh, at times I withdraw from action altogether - by "action," I mean talking and above all receiving swarms of vibrations ... terrible, terrible vibrations! I feel the work is going fairly fast inside, there are some interesting things (what shall I say?) ... like promises. But the [body's] sensitivity and the possibility of imbalance have heightened, in the sense that a mere trifle, which in other circumstances would have been totally