August 24, 1963 (Mother asks Satprem if he has prepared a question on the aphorism on "renunciation," which is to appear in the next "Bulletin." Then she adds:) I delivered great speeches to you on the subject, but I don't remember! (Laughing) It was in the night, I delivered a whole speech to you, and I even thought, in the middle of the night, "Well, that's just what I should tell Satprem tomorrow!" I told you that the only process I've known, and which recurred several times in my life, is to renounce an error. Something you believe to be true - which probably was true for a time - on which you partly base your action, but which, in actuality, was only one opinion. You thoug

August 28, 1963 I've received a letter from a publisher friend of mine. He tells me the real reasons for their refusal of my manuscript "Sri Aurobindo or the Adventure of Consciousness." Oh, really! It's interesting. If you want me to read it to you ... (Satprem reads) ... "I had already told you about my misgivings. [[See conversation of May 25. ]] As to the Page 287 motives for the decision, it always boils down to the same point: a sincere (though ambiguous) will of ecumenism, a broad rather than deep intellectual curiosity, permit mentalities such as those that give our firm its orientation and public image to pay some attention to academic essays regarded (wr

April 16, 1963 (Satprem did not keep note of the beginning of this conversation or of the "personal" questions and the circumstances that led to the situation. It seems that X had invited Satprem to his place, in spite of their break, and wanted to continue with him the Tantric sadhana.) From a deeper standpoint, what connection should I have with X? If I go there, there will be some interchange despite everything, won't there? He may influence you, because you were under his influence in the beginning. He does have the power to influence you - to enclose you in his own atmosphere. But he cannot keep you imprisoned! That's not possible, you are beyond his grasp! So, if ... (how can

April 25, 1963 (Letter to Mother from Satprem) Rameshwaram, 25 April '63 Sweet Mother, I received your card of the 23rd yesterday, and it coincided with an improvement in the "atmosphere" and even a physical improvement. I have rarely felt your Force and your Presence so concretely, continuously and powerfully as since I arrived here. To say that it is the only reality is almost superfluous - That alone really LIVES. All the rest is a false show. I am anxious to leave this place, but X said he wants to make certain changes in my japa, so I have to wait for the right moment. It is difficult to hurry X, as you know. I will wire you as soon as the time comes. Otherwise, I am experi

June 19, 1963 This is a really difficult period right now. All last night ... There are activities that take place in a semidarkness, which the people of the place - people who are here at the Ashram - regard as light ... and where everyone attends to his affairs with his own ideas and what he considers to be his "knowledge." Everything takes place in a semidarkness, a great confusion and a ... you know, a most oppressive sense of powerlessness. It went on for hours. Finally, I absolutely wanted - I wanted to get out of that place at all costs and return to the Light (the real one) and the open. But it was literally impossible: whatever path I took to get out suddenly collapsed, or

March 27, 1963 (Sometimes she cried out) I am fed up! (long silence) Once I told you about an experience I had, I told you that every time a divine manifestation occurs (what is called an Avatar), there's always a particular "angle of quest," in the sense of an intense NEED urging men along the road of evolution towards the Goal, the Transformation, and each avatar saw from a particular angle, believing it to be THE Goal. [[See Agenda III, November 27, 1962, p. 436 ff. ]] When I had that experience, I saw it was the need for Immortality that drove the Vedic Rishis. It came back to me yesterday, and I noted it down: (Mother reads a handwritten note) The Vedic Rishis thirste

January January 2, 1963 My year is off to a dreadful start. And I am afraid it may go on like that. Some new difficulties? No, it's just that everybody wants to see me! They tire me - they wear me out. While I would need ... Oh, at times I withdraw from action altogether - by "action," I mean talking and above all receiving swarms of vibrations ... terrible, terrible vibrations! I feel the work is going fairly fast inside, there are some interesting things (what shall I say?) ... like promises. But the [body's] sensitivity and the possibility of imbalance have heightened, in the sense that a mere trifle, which in other circumstances would have been totally

June 22, 1963 I had a rather amusing experience while walking [during japa]. I was looking at people's attitude (I mean those who think they lead a spiritual life, who think they have made a surrender), and how they are utterly vexed when things don't happen the way they want! (They don't always admit it, they don't always say it to themselves, but it's a fact.) Then all at once, I saw a huge robot - huge, magnificent, resplendent, covered with gold and jewels - a huge being ... but a robot. And all-powerful - all-powerful, capable of doing anything, anything at all; anything you could imagine, he could do it: you had only to press a button and he did it. And it was ... (laughing) as

August August 3, 1963 Physical Matter, physical substance - the very elementary consciousness that's in physical substance - has been so ill-treated (since man's presence on earth, I suppose, because before man, there probably wasn't enough self-consciousness to be aware of being ill-treated; the substance wasn't conscious enough, I suppose, to make a distinction between a normal peaceful state and unfavorable conditions; but anyway, that goes back quite long time), so ill-treated that it finds it very hard to believe things can be different. That consciousness has an aspiration - an aspiration especially for a LUMINOUS peace, something that isn't the dark peace of Unconsciousness, wh

December 7, 1963 (Mother first reads a letter by Sri Aurobindo:) "The way to get faith and all things else is to insist on having them and refuse to flag or despair or give up until one has them - it is the way by which everything has been got since this difficult earth began to have thinking and aspiring creatures upon it. It is to open always, always to the Light and turn one's back on the Darkness. It is to refuse the voices that say persistently, "You cannot, you shall not, you are incapable, you are the puppet of a dream," - for these are the enemy voices, they cut one off from the result that was coming, by their strident clamour and then triumphantly point to the barrenness o